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Evolution of The Church Following the dissolution of the Edwardian workhouse in 2002, a band of privately educated reprobates were forced from the sweaty sanctity of schooling to roam the cul-de-sacs of suburbia. Not tempted by the lure of an ASBO or controlled by the introduction of girls, this group of jolly-boy wastrels sought alms and legs from Birmingham’s philanthropic nocturnal class. Dancing shops and drinking outlets were all they had in those days, but this was not enough, as faith was gradually being lost in all things human(e).Hopeless, aimless and legless, they needed some directions. Then the class of 2002 had a moment, an out of body and into slacks experience. Just like the burning of the bush, or the meeting of Bez and Shaun Ryder, this moment was to change lives forever. Following a morning of actual and figurative nitpicking, this group of hardy yet disillusioned fellows, threw down their eyedrops, and whispered in unison “ No! We can make a difference! We will no longer worship the God of Apathy! Hail Irony! »» |
And so The Church of Universal Wife was born. Within days, balls were rolling everywhere. Brief yet poetically abhorrent initiations were taking place all across the second city, culminating in a night now only referred to as “The Night of the Amateur Circumciser”. A verbal manifesto was hastily scribbled down, outlining a call for action, a call to think outside a box and to wilfully desecrate images of the evil Slug god Apathy with table salt. Members of the Church, worked together to fight apathy with irony, demolishing the laziness of their lives with musical snobbery and idiosyncratic witticisms. Meetings were frequent and purely hypothetical, and often lasted for days. This eyewitness account from such a meeting underlines the initial power of The Church and its promise for the future: "There was like these 7 or 8 members on this sort of stage. I remember one particularly well because he was blacked up from head to toe and wearing nothing but a miniature Stetson… And then this weird music began. Suddenly there was puff of smoke, and both Shola Ama, and her lyrical counterpart, Glama, were up on stage too... »» |
...To the beat of Rainbow’s “Since You’ve Gone” they began to chant these songs, these really dark, lyrically obtuse ditties. They begun with “Get involved, make history” and finished with an instrumental version of “More Canals Than Venice.” So yeah, it was all pretty heady stuff… not the kind of thing you expect to see in the cured meet section of Waitrose. Yeah, I’ve never seen anything like it since.” The Church’s message soon spread and meetings like this became more infrequent and more hypothetical, mere sparkles in the eyes of the blind. But today, more than any other day, The Church Of Universal Wife fills an inflatable void in gullets of its members and the population of Birmingham. As an outlet for creativity, wit and superciliousness, The Church of Universal Wife is soon to become the biggest non-fee paying organisation in the world. So, the time is now. Get involved, make history.
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